Performance anxiety in swinging or fear of performance is a common
sexual problem in which anxiety about engaging in sexual activity
becomes an overriding block to the spontaneous flow of sexual
feelings and thoughts. The fear of sexual performance, or, more
accurately, the fear of not performing sexually, can affect sexuality
in a variety of ways. Performance anxiety can result in avoidance
of sexual encounters, lowered self esteem, relationship discord
and sexual dysfunction
Unfortunately, many men have experienced at least one episode
of performance anxiety at some point in their life. This also
means, of course, that a large number of women have been present
for the event as well, though their perception of the experience
is usually quite different. The failure to obtain an adequate
erection because of performance anxiety can be an excruciating
experience, as any honest man will testify.
Some result to The “Viagra Myth” which is that a little blue
pill can solve all erection problems, rendering the disappointment
and frustration of performance anxiety a thing of the past. If
only it were true, Viagra only works if there are no issues to
begin with but it can help some with mild cases of "stage
fright" or performance anxiety.
Stage Fright in swinging is a different kind of stage fright
and is is something that most people think of in swinging as only
affecting the men. Here they are ready to play with someone new,
a woman, a couple or a man that they have wanted for hours, month's
or even years, and just when everything is falling into place
and it's time to perform and they can't. How many times have we
seen this, or had it happen to us or you? I've seen it plenty,
and the important thing to remember is it NO one's fault. It affects
men, women and couples but is really only noticable with men do
to their physically visible signs ;-). With women it may turn
up as just not being able to cum. What causes this? you ask. Simple,
not being comfortable in your environment or having total confort
in the people you are with, which are possible causes. In a normal
dating relationship you don't have sex with a person until you
are comfortable with them, this might be the first date, or it
might be 6 months later, by the time you get around to swinging
you are definately comfortable with your partner, one would hope.
You have the confort of the person you are with but when it comes
to swinging you could be playing with someone you barely know
(if at all), that you only met an hour before and haven't really
even talked to. How comfortable can you be, completely naked trying
to have sex with what is basically a perfect stranger? It comes
down to some people can do this with no problems, but most of
us can't! I have this problem and so does my husband. The single
most important thing to remember is to not let it stop you from
having a good time, enjoy what you have and what you are doing.
Spend the xtra time to really get to know the swingers you are
with ahead of time, take the time you need get to know them.
Be comfortable with who you are with, and just because you can't
cum or get hard doesn't mean it's a loss. My husband has that
problem alot when we swing with other couples in large gatherings
but when we invite a few couples over for dinner and take the
time to get to know them he is a tiger! YUM! giggle, in the larger
groups he loves watching me and we fantasize about everything
in bed over the next few weeks so all is not lost, don't worry
about it if it happens to you. If all else fails, there's always
viagra, which may work for some (but it doesn't help me cum).
Remember you aren't alone, it's actually very common for both
women and men.
Don't let fears of sexual performance ("Will I lose my erection?"
"Will I satisfy my partner?") are likely to put a damper on sexual
arousal and cause loss of erection. Eventually the fears may become
so pervasive that they will become a self-fulfilling prophecy
and the man will experience an actual inability to get or keep
an erection. Over the long run, performance fears may lead to
a lowered interest in and avoidance of sex, loss of self-esteem,
and attempts to control the anxiety by working hard to overcome
it (which usually reduces sexual spontaneity and causes sex to
be even more of a "performance").
Fears of sexual performance are very common and can be easily
resolved in most cases, especially when professional help is
sought early in the discovery of the fears. Sex therapists
generally agree that the best approach to breaking the cycle of
performance anxiety is to talk about the fears or concerns with
your partner. This simple suggestion, though often difficult to
do, can be the beginning of improved communication and better
sexual functioning. If the problem persists, seeking the help
of a qualified therapist would be the next step in the treatment
of performance anxiety.
Keep the negative emotions like anger, resentment towards the
partner, guilt and negative past emotional experiences in check!
It can interfere with the excitement level. It is because it is
not just a biological dynamo that powers sexual activity (like
hormone level etc.) but also the processing of information in
the brain. Both biological and emotional factors can negatively
and positively influence sexual arousal. A useful analogy in this
instance would be that of a circuit, the point of which could
equate to the brain (fantasy, sexual thoughts), perception (sight,
hearing, smelling etc.) touch and emotions towards the sexual
partner. If a certain stimuli is negative at any given point on
this circuit (e.g. painful stimulation, undesirable appearance
of the partner) then the person would lose his or her sexual excitement;
rather like turning the light on and off. If a man feels anxious
or guilty during sexual activity, then it matters little how willing
and pretty his partner is. Click, out goes the light.
My advice is keep it real, keep it fun and don't worry. You can
still have a good time no matter what your doing so long as you
want to be doing it.
XO