In my counseling practice, I work with many
people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more
than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to
creating successful and satisfying open relationships is jealousy.
Despite how enlightened we think we are, most of us experience
jealousy if our spouse or lover has a sexual relationship with
someone else. A few rare individuals never experience jealousy.
They are either more highly evolved than the rest of us mortals,
or else they are pathologically out of touch with their feelings.
I advise clients to treat jealousy as a given: assume that it
will occur, and be prepared with strategies to successfully address
it and minimize the damage.
JEALOUSY IS A WHOLE BUNDLE OF EMOTIONS
We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but actually
it is a whole bundle of feelings that tend to get lumped together.
Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety,
agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting,
feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded. It often
helps to identify what is the exact mix of feelings you experience
when you feel jealous. What is the primary emotion you feel when
you are jealous? Demystifying the exact components of your jealousy
can be a giant step towards getting a grip on things and resolving
the problem. Is it always the same for you or does the mix change
from time to time depending on circumstances? For instance, one
woman figured out that her jealousy was about 50% fear, 20% anger,
20% feeling powerless and 10% feeling betrayed. However, when
she asked her partner for reassurance and affection, and he provided
it, the anger and betrayal disappeared. Then her jealousy was
much more manageable, because most of what was left was fear and
she could express those feelings more easily to her partner and
resolve them.
JEALOUSY IS ABOUT FEAR
Swinging has always been about couples - with today's advancing
sexual society marriage has become less important so non-married
"couples" have been accepted along with single males
and females. However, some swingers still prefer to participate
with married couples.
For every jealous feeling there is an emotion behind the jealousy
that is much more significant than the jealousy itself. Behind
jealousy there is an unmet need or a deep fear that our needs
will not be met. Recognizing those fears and unmet needs is the
key to unmasking jealousy and taking away its power. Jealousy
is just the finger pointing at the fears and needs we are afraid
to face. When jealousy kicks in, it is the ancient reptilian part
of our brain going into a "fight or flight" response because we
feel that our very survival is threatened. When you feel jealous,
ask yourself, "What is it that I am really afraid of? What do
I need to make this situation safe for me?" "What is the worst
thing that could happen and how likely is that to happen?"
UNMASKING JEALOUSY: SOME SUCCESSFUL
EXAMPLES
Jessica believed in open marriage but she became
insanely jealous when her husband John initiated a sexual relationship
with Carol. In counseling, it became clear that Jessica had already
felt lonely and neglected for years because John was obsessed
with his work and didn't give her enough time and enough sex.
Behind her jealousy we as feeling of scarcity and deprivation,
and an unmet need for love. As soon as John started spending more
quality time with her, their intimacy was greatly enhanced, and
her jealousy virtually disappeared.
Kate and Peggy are two bisexual
women involved in a long-term relationship. Peggy got very jealous
when her lover started a relationship with a man. In counseling,
Peggy realized that she felt insecure about Kate's commitment
to her. Behind her jealousy was an overwhelming fear of loss and
abandonment, and she feared that Kate would leave her for this
new man. Kate reassured her that she was fully committed to their
relationship, and Peggy was able to move beyond jealousy to full
acceptance of her partner's new lover
Greg had many affairs outside his marriage, but when his wife
got involved with a hunky, much younger man that she met at the
gym, he became very jealous and threatened divorce. In counseling,
he admitted that he was feeling old and unattractive and felt
very threatened by his wife's new lover. She reassured Greg that
she loved him and that she was still very sexually attracted to
him. Behind Greg's jealousy was the fear that his wife would reject
him sexually, as well as his own insecurities about aging and
loss of sexual prowess.
George and Marsha lived together
many years, but were on the verge of breaking up because George
got involved with Barbara. After a few counseling sessions, Marsha
realized that she only got jealous when George saw Barbara on
weekends. Marsha demanded that George reserve weekends for her
and see Barbara only on weeknights. The new relationship upset
her schedule and shook up her sense of security. As soon as she
was guaranteed every weekend with George, her jealousy subsided.
After several months, she felt secure enough that she told George
he could see Barbara one weekend night each week, and they negotiated
a schedule that seemed equitable for everyone.
George and Marsha lived together many years,
but were on the verge of breaking up because George got involved
with Barbara. After a few counseling sessions, Marsha realized
that she only got jealous when George saw Barbara on weekends.
Marsha demanded that George reserve weekends for her and see Barbara
only on weeknights. The new relationship upset her schedule and
shook up her sense of security. As soon as she was guaranteed
every weekend with George, her jealousy subsided. After several
months, she felt secure enough that she told George he could see
Barbara one weekend night each week, and they negotiated a schedule
that seemed equitable for everyone.
Sara, a bisexual woman, was involved with Dave,
a straight man. Dave got involved with Helen. Helen was very jealous
of Sara, and demanded that Dave leave Sara. Sara understood Helen's
feelings, so she encouraged Dave to spend more time with Helen
to help her feel more secure. Sara also called Helen to reassure
her that she welcomed her and wanted to cooperate to make this
work out for all three of them. After a few months Helen gradually
became less jealous and stopped making such extreme demands for
Dave's time and attention.
Beth and Mark had agreed to an open relationship,
but Beth was very jealous when Mark told her that he wanted to
start a relationship with Janet. Beth asked Mark and Janet to
give her a month to get used to the idea before becoming sexually
involved, and they agreed to wait. As Beth got to know Janet she
decided that Mark had excellent taste in women, and she gave them
the green light to have a sexual relationship. The first few nights
Mark spent with Janet were very hard for Beth; she couldnít sleep
and was very frightened about the future, but she waited it out
and her jealousy faded. Because she felt she had some control
over the situation and had a voice in how it unfolded, her jealousy
was minimized.
JEALOUSY IS
INEVITABLY GENERATED BY OUR CORE BELIEFS
Our society is addicted to three core beliefs about relationships
that are almost guaranteed to create jealousy even in the most
well-adjusted people. Most of us have absorbed these beliefs without
even realizing it. Identifying and dismantling these beliefs in
our "heart of hearts" is the single most effective way to short-circuit
jealousy. Ask yourself how much of you believes each of these
three statements. Is it 90% of yourself that believes them? 50%?
Notice which belief is most entrenched in your subconscious mind
and which one youíve made the most progress on:
Core Belief #1
If my partner really loved me, (s)he wouldnt have any desire for
a sexual relationship with anyone else.
This belief sees any interest your partner has
in anyone else as a direct reflection of how much (s)he loves
you. Itís a quantitative view of love which equates the amount
of love with the ability to be interested in having another partner.
When you break it down, this is as absurd as saying that a couple
that gives birth to a second child must not love their first child
or they couldnít possibly have any interest in having a second
one.
Core Belief #2
If my partner were happy with me, and if I were a good partner/spouse/lover/etc.,
my partner would be so satisfied that (s)he wouldn't want to get
involved with anyone else.
This belief is even more insidious. With the
first belief you can at least blame it on your partner for not
loving you enough. This belief says that if your partner is interested
in someone else, itís your fault for not being the perfect lover
or spouse and your relationship must be a failure. If you truly
believe that your lover could only be interested in another partner
because youíre inadequate, you can see how that will generate
jealousy big time!
Core Belief #3
It's just not possible to love more than one person at the same
time.
This belief is built on the "scarcity economy
of love", the belief that love is a finite resource, there is
only so much to go around, and there is never enough. Therefore,
if my partner gives any of her or his love to anyone else, that
necessarily means that thereís less for me. Because most people
already feel there are some areas in their relationship where
they are not getting enough of something (time, love, affection,
sex, support, commitment) they are fearful that they will receive
even less if their partner gets involved with additional partners.
Because each of these beliefs is connected to
a very primal fear, they take time and effort to overcome. The
first belief expresses a deep fear that you are not loved and
will be abandoned. The second taps into our insecurities and the
fear that we are not adequate or deserving of love, and the third
is a fear of deprivation and being starved for love and attention.
So have compassion for yourself and your partner(s) as you work
with these beliefs and gradually replace them with beliefs that
support your desire to embrace open relationships. Try on these
new beliefs instead and see how they feel to you.
New Core Belief #1
My partner loves me so much that (s)he trusts our relationship
to expand and be enriched by experiencing even more love from
others.
New Core Belief #2
My relationship is so solid and trusting that we can experience
other relationships freely. My partner is so satisfied with me
and our relationship that having other partners will not threaten
the bond we enjoy.
New Core Belief #3
There is an abundance of love in the world and there is plenty
for everyone. Loving more than one person is a choice that can
exponentially expand my potential for giving and receiving love.
The fact that these new beliefs sound so strange and almost laughable
to us at first shows just how deeply the old paradigm beliefs
about love and relationships are ingrained in our consciousness.
It also underscores the importance of dissolving these old beliefs
if we ever hope to enjoy multiple relationships free of jealousy.
