ADDING A
NEW RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE HAVING A NEW BABY
Jealousy is almost always most intense right when one partner
starts a new relationship, and usually subsides over time. A new
romance shakes up everything in your life, including your existing
relationship. I use the analogy that adding a new relationship
is very similar to having a baby: while it can bring great joy
and excitement to your lives, you are adding a new person to your
family, and this creates a whole new dynamic in your relationship.
Just like a new baby, a new relationship will change your schedule,
your lifestyle, and take a lot of your time and energy, as well
as adding a major source of stress to your life. And, like a new
baby, it is an unknown quantity, and it is impossible to predict
how it will change your life experience and what kind of intense
feelings it will trigger. As with a new baby, flexibility and
willingness to open yourself up to a completely new experience
are crucial in adjusting to a new relationship.
At the beginning of a new relationship, fear
of loss and abandonment are at their peak. Fear of the unknown
and fear of change can be extremely uncomfortable as well, because,
as one woman put it, "There's just no telling where this thing
will go from here." As the drama of a new romance gradually settles
into a more manageable relationship with clear parameters, most
people relax and realize that this is not going to be fatal to
the initial relationship. If you are the partner initiating a
new relationship, you can significantly reduce your partner's
initial jealousy through clear communication and reassurance that
you are fully committed to staying with him or her
POWER IMBALANCES CAN AGGRAVATE JEALOUSY
A new relationship can dramatically alter power dynamics in
a relationship. Particularly in a triad or triangle situation,
where one person has two lovers and the other two only have one,
an unfortunate dynamic of competition and a struggle for control
can arise. This can be minimized by encouraging all parties to
communicate their needs openly and by negotiating reasonable agreements
that are fair to everyone. The person with two lovers should bend
over backwards to avoid a power struggle and make sure both of
his or her partners get enough time, attention, affection, commitment,
and sex. If someone in this position abuses power, they should
be called on it immediately. Both lovers should become allies
to demand a change in their partner's behavior, rather than allowing
themselves to be manipulated against each other. Unless everyone
cooperates and is careful of each other's feelings and needs,
it is easy for one person to feel like the "odd person out." No
one should feel powerless in a relationship-- there is enough
love for everyone to be satisfied.
THE PHOBIA MODEL OF MANAGING
JEALOUSY
Learn to accept jealousy as a normal but exaggerated response
to a stressful, emotionally charged change in your life. I often
use the phobia model to help clients manage jealous feelings.
For instance, if someone is afraid of heights, a therapist would
pinpoint exactly what situations frighten that person, and then
gradually try to make those situations safe enough to tolerate.
By exposing someone with a fear of heights first to a few steps
and then to a ladder, and then going up an escalator, and eventually
even going to the top of a hill or mountain. By gradually experiencing
the situation that triggers the phobia, and by incrementally escalating
that exposure, a person can slowly overcome their fears.
To treat jealousy, I ask clients to pinpoint
as specifically as possible exactly what is triggering jealousy
for them. For instance, Susan identified that what upset her most
about her husband Bill's affair was that he spent the night with
Rachel, and Susan felt lonely sleeping alone. Bill agreed to come
home every night, as long as he could spend a few evenings with
Rachel. After a month, Susan realized that she was no longer jealous,
and she agreed to let him spend one night a week with Rachel,
with the caveat that if she got really jealous she could call
and ask him to come home. After a few more months she decided
that it was okay for Bill to spend two or three nights a week
with Rachel, and she only got jealous when Bill forgot her birthday
and made a date with Rachel for that night. Throughout this process,
Rachel was willing to be very flexible to accommodate Susan's
demands, as she understood that securing Susan's cooperation was
essential to making this relationship work for everyone. And for
Susan, what worked was an incremental approach of exposing herself
to exactly the situations she feared the most, and gradually learning
to tolerate and even embrace this new situation.
Jim and Joan are a married couple. Joan became
involved with Ruth. Because Joan had never been involved with
a woman before, Ruth feared that Joan would drop her and go back
to her comfortable married life. Ruth demanded more time and commitment
from Joan, but Jim got very jealous when Joan started spending
more time with Ruth. Faced with two jealous lovers, Joan came
for counseling, and eventually negotiated an agreement with them
both: Jean would spend a few nights a week with Ruth, but each
night she would call home to check in with Jim, and would go home
if he was feeling too lonely and jealous. Jim agreed that if this
worked out, after six months Ruth could move in to their home
and Joan would divide her time between them. After six months,
Jim was not ready to let Ruth move in, and he asked to extend
this for another three months, and by then his jealousy had subsided
to the point where he welcomed her into the household. While it's
great to negotiate a plan so everyone has the same understanding
and expectations, it is crucial to be flexible and willing to
wait for all partners to be ready to take the next step. If any
partner feels coerced into moving faster than feels comfortable,
the old phobic "fight or flight" mentality will kick in, and the
relationship will be sabotaged.
VISUALIZE YOUR JEALOUSY TRIGGERS
Using visualization and guided imagery often helps get down
to the "nitty gritty" of what is causing jealousy. close your
eyes and visualize your partner initiating a new relationship
with someone else, either someone they are currently interested
in our involved with or with an imaginary "hypothetical lover".
Watch the entire scenario unfold as if you were watching a video
of the entire process.
Begin with when they first meet, the initial
spark of interest, going on a date, having dinner or going out,
going home with the new person, getting undressed, having sex,
sleeping together, waking up in the morning, your lover coming
back to you and telling you about the relationship, how your lover
treats you, what itís like being with your partner again, etc.
As if you had a remote control, press the
pause button for a few moments at any point along the way where
you feel discomfort or jealousy. Try to identify exactly what
mix of emotions you are actually feeling at different points as
the scenario unfolds.
Most people are surprised to find that visualizing
their partner having another relationship like this is generally
painless except at certain key moments and those "triggers" are
different for each person. For instance, one woman discovered
that going through the entire sequence was actually pleasurable
and sexually arousing except that she freaked out at visualizing
her husband getting into "their" bed with another woman. She then
made an agreement with him that he would only sleep with other
women outside their home, either at the womanís house or at a
hotel, and this made her feel safe. Another man found he was comfortable
visualizing his partner having intercourse with another man, but
became enraged when he visualized her giving head to the man.
He considered fellatio as extremely intimate experience and asked
her not to do that with any other man and she agreed to that condition.
Another woman found the entire visualization
extremely comfortable, much to her surprise, until she got to
the part where after having sex, he husband talked to the new
woman about his feelings and emotions. She realized that she didnít
mind her partner having sex with another woman, but felt extremely
threatened by him having an intimate conversation with her!
When you discover exactly what triggers your
jealousy, it puts things in perspective. Realizing that you are
only jealous of a small piece of the overall picture makes it
much more manageable. After identifying you jealousy triggers,
you have two basic choices. You can "engineer the problem away"
by making agreements with your partner to avoid that particular
behavior or situation, as shown in several previous examples.
Or you can use the "phobia model", taking the risk of gradually
exposing yourself to situations which trigger your jealousy in
the hopes that you will learn to tolerate and eventually feel
comfortable with it.
It is important to keep in mind that there
is no simple and easy solution to jealousy. It usually requires
trial and error to discover what works for your individual situation.
And jealousy can bring up many powerful feelings and unpredictable
emotions. So be gentle with yourself and your partners, and donít
expect instant changes. Try to be understanding of each personís
needs and feelings. Make every effort to create a "win-win" situation
for everyone by giving each person as much voice as possible in
decisions and rule-making. And be willing to compromise to make
sure everyone's needs are met.
THE COST/BENEFIT ANALYSIS OF JEALOUSY
Being involved in non-monogamous relationships
requires being willing to stretch ourselves and to tolerate a
certain amount of discomfort, risk-taking, and uncertainty, especially
at the beginning. While jealousy can be literally paralyzing at
the outset, usually the balance of pain to pleasure will gradually
shift until the enhanced satisfaction and joy will far outweigh
the anxieties and insecurities. If you find that you and your
partner(s) are unable to resolve jealous feelings on your own,
get some outside help. Having a long talk with supportive friends
can give you a fresh perspective and some honest feedback. Joining
a support group can also be helpful, as other people who have
been in similar situations may have good ideas for creative problem
solving. Individual counseling or couple's counseling can also
create a safe environment for each person to express painful feelings
and identify possible solutions.
Despite their best efforts,
some people find that the fear and pain evoked by a non-monogamous
relationship are too overwhelming. They may decide that it's just
not worth the trouble, and may opt to return to a monogamous lifestyle.
The first six months of exploring this new lifestyle are usually
the hardest, so if you survive that, most of the hard work is
behind you, and you can relax and enjoy the wonderful relationships
you have successfully created.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kathy Labriola provides low-fee
counseling for individuals, couples, and groups. She has extensive
experience assisting people with the challenges of non-traditional
relationships, health problems and disabilities, HIV/AIDS, sexual
orientation crises, political activism, and class struggle. She
also facilitates discussion and support groups on open relationships,
health and disabilities, and political activism and burnout. For
further information, or to receive free educational pamphlets,
call (510)464-4652.
Kathy Labriola
Counselor/Nurse
1307 University Avenue Berkeley, CA 94702
(510)464-4652 or (510)841-5307.
